There’s Something Missing From the Self-Care Conversation

There is a lot of talk about self-care. A lot. And for good reason. We can wax poetic about how we need to take care of ourselves before we take care of our little ones. Rest. Exercise. Get up before they do. Sleep when they sleep. Ask for help. Accept help when it’s offered. Get a good babysitter. Schedule date nights. Don’t overextend yourself. Reclaim yourself.

But, yes, and truly, self-care is important. It gives us an opportunity to refuel, to bring some energy back to ourselves. It doesn't mean it's easy to find, or even easy to identify what actually brings your energy back. Still important.

And then there's mindfulness. Mindfulness serves a different purpose. Mindfulness is a way to connect to our body with intention. It helps us tune in, listen to our own cues, and notice what is happening inside of us. It's where the whole, "deep breath" language sits. The "notice what your body is telling you." It, too, is not wrong, or bad. Both serve a different and important need. They help us become more present and engaged as parents and professionals.

But there is another practice I think deserves the same kind of attention: reflection. Reflection hasn’t had the same exposure. For many of us, it simply isn’t something we’ve been taught to practice. Reflection gives us space to think about ourselves in relation to others.

Think about a moment when you yelled at your little one after they didn’t listen. Self-care might give you the opportunity to refuel. Mindfulness might help you locate the experience in your body and recognize the cues that tell you your emotions are building. Reflection asks us to get curious about the whole experience. What happened for me? What did I need? What did my child need? What happened before this moment? What might have been underneath my child’s behavior? What might have been underneath my response? What happened between us? What might I want to do differently next time?

Reflection asks for a different skill set, sometimes one that can feel a little uncomfortable. We have to be willing to look at ourselves curiously and honestly. We have to be willing to take accountability in a way that self-care and mindfulness don’t necessarily ask of us. We also have to be open to considering the experiences of others.

But reflection is a space for compassion, too. We can look at our actions and our responses with loving eyes, from a space of genuinely wanting to understand so we can do better. We can offer that same compassionate curiosity to others. We can play in the uncertainty, considering multiple possibilities and perspectives without needing to know exactly why something happened or whether our guess is right.

Reflection allows us to see the complexity in ourselves and better understand that the same complexity exists in others. The more we can see and understand the ways we think, respond, and behave, the more compassionately we can respond to other people. It gives us room to make mistakes, revisit experiences, choose a different perspective, and look at an interaction from a different angle.

I want reflection to become as well known as self-care and mindfulness. Not as another buzzword or another thing we are supposed to add to our list, but as a meaningful part of how we care for our relationships. When we engage in reflection, we see ourselves with compassion, experience multiple perspectives, hold our relationships as paramount, and bring greater awareness and intention to the way we move within them.