“Don’t Go!”: Clinginess, Separation Anxiety, and the Push–Pull of Toddlerhood

Sarah
Jan 4
4 min read

Toddlerhood is full of contradictions.

“Don’t help me.”

“Don’t leave me.”

Clinginess and separation anxiety live right in the middle of that tension.

These moments aren’t signs that something is wrong. They’re signs of becoming.(And yes—this often shows up at the exact moment you’re trying to leave the house, make it to work on time, or do one very ordinary thing without an audience.)

If your toddler wraps themselves around your leg when you try to leave the room—or dissolves into tears at daycare drop-off—you’re not doing anything wrong.

You’re witnessing attachment at work.

If you want to zoom out on what’s happening beneath toddler behavior, you can start with The Emotional Life of Toddlers: A Behavior Guide for the People Who Love Them.

🧠 Why Toddlers Cling (Especially When You Least Expect It)

During toddlerhood, children are developing object permanence—the understanding that people exist even when out of sight. But knowing you still exist doesn’t mean it feels safe when you leave.

At the same time, toddlers are experimenting with autonomy:

“I do it!”
“No help!”
“Mine!”

This creates an internal tension:

I want to explore… but I also need to know you’re still there.

Clinginess and separation anxiety aren’t signs that a toddler is too dependent. They’re signs that your child knows who you are—and that you matter.

As infant psychiatrist Alicia Lieberman reminds us,

“Children are not afraid of being alone. They are afraid of being alone without someone to help them regulate their emotions.”

From an early relational health perspective, separation anxiety reflects a developing attachment system—not a failing one.

🧭 The Push–Pull of Becoming

Toddlers often move toward independence and back toward closeness in rapid cycles. One moment they’re running ahead at the playground. The next, they’re melting down because you took a step away.

This push–pull is not inconsistency. It’s integration.

Your toddler is learning:

How far can I go?
Will you still be there?
Can I fall apart and come back?

It can feel baffling to live with a tiny human who insists on independence—right up until the moment you step out of arm’s reach.

As psychologist Becky Kennedy explains,

“When children are struggling, it’s not because they lack skills—it’s because the demands placed on them exceed their capacity in that moment.”

Seen this way, clinginess isn’t a setback. It’s information.

🤝 Supporting Separation Without Rushing It

You don’t need to eliminate separation anxiety to support healthy development. You just need to walk through it together.

Here are relational ways to support your toddler during clingy phases:

Acknowledge the feeling without fixing it. “You don’t want me to go. That’s hard.” Naming builds emotional literacy and connection.
Create a predictable goodbye ritual. A short phrase, a wave at the window, or the same routine each time helps your toddler know what to expect—even when it’s hard.
Leave honestly, not perfectly. Sneaking away may stop tears in the moment, but over time it can make separations feel less safe. Clear, calm departures build trust.
Notice what comes up for you after you leave. Relief, guilt, sadness, second-guessing—it’s common to feel more than one thing at once. Your reactions matter, too.

Separation can feel like a break in connection—but the relationship continues.

Reconnect intentionally when you come back together. The moments after separation—eye contact, warmth, and attunement—matter just as much as the goodbye.

💜 And When It Feels Like Too Much

Clinginess can feel suffocating—especially if you’re exhausted, touched out, or craving a moment to yourself.

If you find yourself thinking, I love you, but please let me drink my coffee while it’s still warm, you’re not alone.

It’s okay to hold two truths at once:

Your toddler’s need for closeness is valid
Your need for space is also valid

Sometimes, separation feels especially charged—not just because of what your toddler is experiencing, but because of what it stirs up in you. For some parents, moments of goodbye quietly tap into old experiences of people leaving, being inconsistent, or not coming back at all. These early relational memories—often outside of our awareness—can make separation feel heavier or more emotional than expected.

If that resonates, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means you’re human, bringing your own history into a very tender season of parenting.

Supporting separation anxiety doesn’t mean ignoring your limits. It means finding ways to stay connected without losing yourself.

If resentment, guilt, or overwhelm are creeping in, that’s not a parenting flaw—it’s a signal that you deserve support, too.

At Baby and Me, I support parents in navigating these emotionally charged seasons through a relational lens—holding both your child’s needs and your story with care.

🌱 What’s Coming Next

New here? You can begin the series with No, No, No: Welcome to Toddlerhood, where we explore why this stage feels so intense—and why it’s developmentally meaningful.

In the next post, we’ll explore aggression in toddlerhood—hitting, biting, and throwing—and why these behaviors are often expressions of unmet needs, not “bad behavior.”

Because toddlers don’t act out to push us away. They act out because they don’t yet know how to pull us close.

📚 References & Further Reading

Lieberman, A. F., & Van Horn, P. (2008). Psychotherapy with Infants and Young Children.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.